Can't Go On Like This Anymore

I am happy in fits and spurts. Flourishes of happiness are tempered by an underlying sadness that does not want to leave me. I really want to feel better, but it's just not happening. I want to be the wonderful person that I know that I am. But, I simply can't do it if I'm still hanging on to something that is no longer there. I think that I've said to her all that I need to say about my love and desire for her, about always being there, doing whatever it takes, and always waiting for her. But she has moved on, is happy with someone else, and now it seems "us" is but a memory.

I have claimed closure, but no matter how much I try I just can't seem to shut that door, turn the page, close the book, or whatever other metaphor for moving on there may be. I want more than anything to fight for her, to follow her, because I know in my heart she is worth it and I love her. I wish that she wanted to be fought for, but I just don't think that she does. As sad as it is, there is no fighting for a love that is no longer there. I'll probably never know what I did wrong to hurt her so much, but I will be eternally sorry for whatever it was, though. A person as wonderful and amazing as her shouldn't have to feel hurt as she must have.

But for everything, I know that having seen the best of me and the worst of me she decided the worst just wasn't worth it. I don't fault her, and there is nothing wrong with that - she deserves to be with a person who can always make her happy. It just saddens me to think I'm not that person and that I allowed someone that I care for to think that there was more bad in me than good. I know that I am not a bad person, just one who had some problems and made some mistakes. But there is nothing more than I can do other than atone for those mistakes and move forward on my own.

I'm tired of waking up sad, crying when I think about her, causing myself harm, losing sleep, feeling horrible when I should be having fun, thinking about what could have been and where it all went wrong, and feeling the urge to reach out and hold the one person I know I can't - I am just emotionally drained at this point.

I know my love and affection for her will never disappear, but I know I can't go on like this anymore. It tears my heart apart, but I think that it's time for me to move on as well. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger for her. I have to be strong now for me.

-...