Short Week

I don't know why, but whenever I come back after a long weekend, I never feel quite ready to come back for work. It's almost like, "If we are going to have a three-day weekend, why not make it four? Hell, why not just take off the rest of the week?" Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and we muddle through the week wishing it was the weekend once again.

But, hey, it's Friday and the weekend is just around the corner. I have big plans this weekend and am very much looking forward to it - how about you?

-working for the weekend jonathon

To Anonymous

Thanks should go to the unsolicited insider whomever you may be for your wonderful insight. I honestly didn't think I could feel any worse about the situation, but thanks to your comment, I now feel much worse.

Don't you think for one instant that I am not good enough for her. I made mistakes which I am doing my best to atone for, and trying my hardest to get over a person with whom I was making plans with for the rest of our lives. Five months ago it was me looking at engagement rings, and it was us planning for a life together. I never stopped loving her (and still haven't), but was too blind to love myself enough to admit my own shortcomings which ultimately cost me everything and hurt a person who I love.

So, to whomever you are, thank you for your hate.

What did I do wrong?

Despite accepting everything that has happened and being generally happy, I feel an aching guilt for hurting someone else so badly. My heart is heavy - I can't believe that I would ever have been so thoughtless to another; I never intended to hurt anyone. I can't believe that I let my own ignorance get in the way of caring for someone.

I am capable of giving happiness to others; I did it for a long time. So why wasn't I able to continue to do so for the one person I cared about more than anything? Why was I such a fool?

What have my hands wrought?

Hurt or Happiness?

An end or a new beginning?

I am to blame for everything that has happened - the trick is figuring out how to seek forgiveness in others and also forgive myself.

-guilty jonathon

Wind

No, not the movie, but actual wind, and lots of it. During my jog yesterday afternoon, I realized that the city had shut down a section of the Great Highway that runs along Ocean Beach because of high winds. Since they don't shut down the whole highway that often, I thought that this might be a good opportunity to get some cool photos. Turns out I was right, and here are the results.

**I'm trying out a slideshow application from Picasa, let me know what you think.**

To see the whole album, click here.

-windy jonathon

Win, Lose, or Draw

So let's recap what's happened in the past three months (give or take):

• Broke up with the girl of my dreams after 3.5 years (lose)
• Moved, kind of, but ended up staying in the house (draw)
• Lost 20 lbs and got into great shape (win)
• Went to the ER because I passed out at work (lose)
• Got a new job and a promotion (win)
• Started IAAS class which took up a lot of my time (draw)
• Went to ER again for a nasty cut on the leg (lose)
• Hit 82% of my fundraising goal and still going (win)
• Won the Best Roller of the Year for season one Brewskeeball (win)
• Car broken into (lose)
• Didn't lose my cool even though the window was smashed out (win)
• Threw a successful "house warming" party for Luisa and Matt's Bday (win)
• Find out that the ex is engaged (draw)
• Find solace in the fact that she is happy, and that's a good thing (win)
  
• Cut the crap out of my finger and end up in the ER once again - five stitches (lose)
• Meet some really nice new friends through all my trials and tribulations (win)
• Got a free ticket to see RENT (win)
• Won IAAS best presentation (win)
• Won IAAS best student (win)
• Got a free ticket on Virgin America to anywhere they fly (win)
  

I am tempted to add up the wins and losses, but that's not what's really important; what's important is how I feel now. Reflecting on these past months and everything that's happened (this list isn't even complete), I actually feel really good about everything, and I feel happy about life (win).

-jonathon, winner

Seasons of Love

How do we measure a year in the life - moments so dear? How do we reconcile all the things that have happened to us, because of us, around us, and in spite of us? How do we find answers or make heads or tails of it all? Funny how a 29-year old named Jonathan had it all figured out - love.

This transcendent ideal is in many ways similar to my musings from a month ago saying that we need to live in the moment, that we need not speed through life at breakneck speed. We need to measure our lives in the little things that happen to us on a daily basis and seek happiness in those little accomplishments rather than waiting for the next big thing to happen in our life. We need to love and live in the moment - the past has already happened, and the future can't happen without now, so what are we waiting for?

I've spent the past few months wondering about what went wrong, what I did, what I could have done, and through all my searching for answers all I could do was cry for what had been lost. All I could do was mourn the fact that I had lost the person who I had held closer to my heart than anyone before. Despite my claims of epiphany and closure, it all added up to nothing, and I ended back in the same spot over and over.

It wasn't until I listened to Seasons of Love and went back and reread that old post that I realized I was doing things all wrong. Now, I know that I loved her to the best of my ability, and despite all the "answers" I've found, I still don't think I could have done any better, and that's ok. She's happy now, and so am I - there is so much going on in my life right now that is exciting and wonderful (mixed with an odd string of bad luck), I can't help but be happy.

I don't need answers, or closure, or to move on, or to do anything other than live and love. I'm doing just that, and nothing else matters - that's how I'm measuring my life.

-lyrical jonathon

Tuesday Traps II

I decided to post these up in threes - who would have guessed that the next three all happen to apply to me and my current situation. Go figure. At any rate, enjoy the life perspective and have a great week!

Trap #11: The Trap of that Perfect Person

You have an idea of a perfect person. We all do. There is no such thing as a perfect man or woman. You must understand that there are so many wonderful person out there that there will be a ton of “perfect” ones. You must keep an open mind when searching for the one, or you will blind yourself of what you really want. That perfect one is just another person, but a person who you have literally forced yourself into loving because you believe you must love anyone who has good looks, rich, nice body, nice cars etc. Keep an open mind while in this world. You’ll find the one, but quit forcing yourself to love.

Trap #12: The Trap of Depression

Don’t even lie. You have been depressed in your life. We all have. We have all had our days. In fact there are many in this world who are depressed right now. Try to remember back to when you were depressed. You actually didn’t want to feel happy huh? You avoided having fun and you avoided smiling. You were trying not to be happy. If you do not make an effort to get out of depression then you never will. You must find it within yourself to love happiness and try to end those miserable feelings. Always fight depression. NEVER let it win. Fight it until you either defeat it or die. Do not give in. If you trust me on this, then you have nothing to worry about and you will feel better in no time at all. This is one of the most common traps.

Trap #13: The Trap of Forgetting Nothing Lasts Forever

Nothing lasts forever. When you enter anything, you must remember that it won’t last forever. Accept this. Do not fear this either. If you do then it will be over and you won’t have spent any of the time you had well. Spend the time you are given well, because tomorrow will come and sometime in the future it will end. The only thing you can do is accept this. When it ends, give it up and move on. That’s all you can do. Good luck, this is a hard trap to avoid.

-jonathon et al.

Saturday Adventure

This one's mostly about the pics, so I'll keep the rhetoric short. Early to rise on Saturday (as in 4:30AM) to make it to the trailhead by 6:30 for a training climb with the ALF folks. The day was gorgeous and the hike was just the kick in the butt to remind me that I only have four weeks left to get that last bit of training in before Shasta.

If you haven't yet donated to the climb, go here.

After the hike, we celebrated Diez de Mayo/New Roommate/Matt's Early Birthday/Mother's Day Eve at the house - definitely a good time. I am still proud of the fire pit; it was a nice touch.

Thanks to all my fellow climbers for the AM, and to all my fellow drinkers for the PM - it was a great day! To see the full albums, go here.

Sunrise off of Highway 84 - nice

Funny story, I swerved to miss this bunny then moved it into the bushes to save it from being hit and felt really good about myself. About a 1/2 mile down the road, I hit a bird that flew in front of me - I guess God really wanted something to die that morning...


The ALF Team


The stoners were out in force that morning...no wait, that's just fog


Putting our river crossing skills to good use


Don't ask how this got on the trail - we were 10 miles from the nearest road...


It was a strenuous 20-mile loop, but the scenery was well worth it.

See the rest of the trip here.

See, I told you the fire was a good idea!


Big Timmy Style


Sure, it wasn't as warm as next to the fire, but the food was there, so...

-cramming too much into one day jonathon

Highs and Lows

Yesterday was to be a pretty good day - I was kept busy at work, I had my last class meeting, and was entered to compete in the Brewskeeball Best Roller of the Year (BROTY) competition. The day went by quickly, the meeting was over in a blink, and I was off to the Buckshot to fight for my place in Brewskeeball Skeeson I history.

I arrived at the bar around 9 expecting that the tournament would soon be starting, but the championship round for the final two teams was only just beginning. This final would pit Skee Fast Lose Your Pass (the team that beat us in the Semis) against The Skee Amigos in what would be a total blow out in favor of Skee Fast. The boys from the Sunday night league dominated the entire match and ended over 500 points ahead of the Amigos by the end.

Well deserving of their victory, they chugged room temperature Miller High-Life from the Brewskee Mug in celebration.

Shortly after the celebration, the BROTY competition started. The BROTY pits the top 24 rollers in the league (as determined by highest rolling average) against each other in a single elimination bracket. I didn't have the score to get a first round bye, but my competitor didn't show up and I was automatically bumped to the second round to face Ken-Dog of Skee Fast Lose Your Pass. By the time we were called to the line, Kenny could barely stand up from the celebrating.  Despite the alcohol in his system, Kenny rolled a solid two frames, but my 310 and 350 put me through to the next round. 

The next round would pit me against Ned from the Skee Amigos - we tied the first round, he won the second, and I won the third. We played the first playoff round of the night as all the other rollers had won in straight sets. In the end, my roll of 290 was enough to beat the 250 of Ned. Moving on to the Final Four, I faced Skee-Zak, a fixture of the Wednesday night league. The battle was fierce, but I took the match in the third round with a 320 roll.

The final round would find me, a relative unknown, against Brover Cleveland of The Broskies - his Goliath to my David. For those that don't know, The Broskies were the team to set the all time rookie season high score in the very first week of competition posting a team final of 961. Brover would roll a 29.3 average in that match and maintained a season average of 28.28. His cool demeanor belied his rolling - he was on fire that night, consistently rolling over 300 in each of his previous matches. Additionally, like myself, he had limited his alcohol intake and maintained a steady hand and smooth form.

This is the only known picture from the BROTY with both myself and Brover
(that's me rolling in the Final Four, and Brover in the brown shirt on the right watching the action)

As I shook his hand, I stared into the eyes of my combatant and saw a quiet confidence which I lacked. Heck, I was happy just to have made it this far, but this was to be a match for the ages. 

I rolled first and opened with a mediocre 280. I recounted to Burchie how early in the season I was happy to break 200 but now that my rolling had improved, anything less than a 300 was a failure - Brover proved me right by rolling a solid 340 right out of the gate. Despite this opening salvo, I resolved to stay in the fight for as long as I could. My next roll would be another average score for this level of competition - a 270. Despite my meager attempt, the skeeball gods were watching over me as Brover matched with a 270 and we would be forced into a third and deciding round.

Not expecting to make it this far in the tournament, I was out of money and had to borrow a dollar from Burchie to make my third roll of the match. Once again I rolled conservatively and ended with a 260, but this turned out to be enough to keep me in the match as Brover was only able to manage a 190 - overtime!  These final nine rolls would determine who would take home the BROTY trophy. 

Once again, I was forced to borrow a dollar just to be able to compete. I stepped up to the line, collected my thoughts and began to roll. 40 after 40 rained down and it appeared as if I was going for a full-circle (all 40s), but then a few missed rolls and I ended the match with a 290.  All I could do then, was sit back and watch.  Brover approached the line maintaining the calm he had shown all night while his fans wildly cheered him on. His first roll, only a 10 - stepping back for only a moment, he quickly collected his poise and re-approached the line.  Then came two 50s in a row as he really turned on the heat. However, another 10 shook his confidence somewhat and he seemed to lose stride and began rolling inconsistently

Down to the final two balls, he would have to hit 50s or 100s to win the match - he opted for the hundos. The first roll fell short and gave him a meager 10 points - I was holding my breath. He closely examined his last ball and set for his final roll. As the ball released from his grip, everything seemed to slow and the room went quiet. The ball hit the ramp and began sailing in a perfect arc towards the left side hundo. The speed, the trajectory, the arc - it all seemed perfect - but the ball sailed over the hundo and bounced off the wall to score a 10 giving Brover a final score of 230. I had just won the BROTY!

Handshakes and congratulations were exchanged and high fives were given by my Sunday night compatriots. I stood atop lane 1 and hoisted the BROTY trophies high over my head in victorious celebration. Flashes popped all around me as I stood there in my moment of glory - it was wonderful. After 126 rolls and $14 dollars - $2 of it borrowed - I would end the night as the best roller in all of San Francisco.

Unfortunately, the celebration didn't last long as I had to head home to get some sleep. I collected the final few high fives and congratulatory handshakes and headed out to my car, reveling in my recent victory, and felt as if nothing could bring me down - I wish I hadn't felt like that.

I climbed into the car and placed my new BROTY hardware on the passenger seat. Closing the door, I noticed that there was a lot more "outside" noise inside the car than there should be. Perhaps I had accidentally left one of my windows cracked? Maybe the door hadn't been shut all the way. Or, maybe it was because my rear passenger window was smashed out - ah, yes, that's it!

I cursed, I got mad, then I got over it...there was nothing that I could do. In the past I would have stayed mad and hit things and probably would have done more damage, but a cooler head prevailed and I just went home.

Despite having my window smashed out and my computer stolen along with my copy of "Into the Wild" (which I had only gotten half way through), I did have my pride and the comfort in knowing that I was still the Best Roller of the Year for San Francisco, Skeeson I, and that's something no one can steal from the back of a 1979 Mercedes 300D.

I slept with my trophies last night...

-jonathon, BROTY, SF Skeeson I

Gearing Up

It's down to the wire now - only one month till my summit attempt on Mt. Shasta. The fundraising is almost complete, but please feel free to donate because I'm not there yet - 76% complete! The only other part of the climb which I hadn't put together was the last bit of supplies for the trip. I have most everything that I need, but having never done any significant climbing at altitude or on glaciers, there were some items which I was lacking.

Well, thanks to REI's Anniversary sale, I was able to gear up with relatively little expense - how exciting for me. I had to buy things like new hiking socks, a headlamp, some waterproof over pants, glacier sunglasses, and even synthetic underwear! I was able to get all of this gear, and even a little more and still manage to get out for around $300! This wasn't money that I really wanted to spend as I've been trying to save money for a change, but at least I didn't have to pay for everything full price!

The only other thing that I got was the book, "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer. I know that the movie just came out on DVD, but I loved reading "Into Thin Air" so much that I had to read the book first. I've only had it for a few days but I'm already half way through - if you haven't read it yet, skip the movie and buy the book, it is amazing.

In a month, I hope to be standing on the summit of Shasta - I'll be sure to write about it...

-climbing jonathon

Tuesday Traps...

I have some free time as I wait for my next appointment and I just realized that it has been a while since I last posted up more of the "traps" from our Filipino friend - so here they are. Hope you enjoy them.

Trap #8: The Trap of Dreams

Dreams are wonderful. Everyone has dreams. Everyone has wished at some point in their life they were someone else, or could do something they can’t do. The power of dreams is a strong one. Chasing your dreams is an act very few of us do though. Most people live in their dreams. Most people are actually content with just dreaming something, and not living it. If you do not chase after your dreams, then your dreams are holding you back. The power of dreams is pretty strong huh? They can guide you through your life, or hold you from achieving anything. Chase your dreams. Go after what you dream about. Unless your dream is to walk and you have no legs, then don’t tell about me about how it could never be. If it never could be, then so be it, but how will you ever know for sure if you never try? At least try to follow your dreams, if you physically cannot achieve them, then at least you tried.

Trap #9: The Trap of False Hope

Some things were never meant to be. It’s a fact of life. Some things you will never have, and never have a chance to get. You must accept this. If you keep living in your wonderland and if you keep thinking that it will happen when you know in your heart it never will, then there goes more time of your life wasted. Believing something that isn’t true may make you feel better, but it will only hurt you in the long run. Accept the truth for what it is. Stop giving yourself false hope.

Trap #10: The Trap of the “Perfect” and “Normal” life

Think about what you want your life to be like. You probably want a house, a nice job, a beautiful wife/husband, maybe a few kids. Who knows. Only you do. We all have these ideas of a perfect life. We all have ideas of how we want our lives to be. This “perfect” little “normal” life is an illusion. You can’t define normal. No one can. Normal is a word used to confuse people into believing something is right. You will never be normal. No one is “normal”. Every person is different and so how can you be normal in a world full of diversity? There is no perfect and normal life. Your life is what you make it. People also mistake the world boring for normal. Spice up your life. “Normal” people have no idea what in the hell they want. This is why they call themselves “normal”. They have been led to believe that what they are doing is the right thing, and that anything else would be “weird”. “Life is a journey, not a destination”--Aerosmith. There is no perfect life, there is no such thing as a normal life, and there is no such thing as the right thing. You and only you can decide these things for yourself.

-jonathon et al.

Thank you, Stu!

I've been busting my hump all day working on some new biz prospecting and planning for the rest of the year on one of my clients. I wouldn't say that I've had a bad day, but I'm simply worn out from the weekend and have just not been in a great mood. However, about an hour ago my mood was changed for the better by an unexpected phone call.

As you may recall from one of my posts a while back, I sold my cruiser on Craigslist to a really great guy named Stu. Well, out of the blue, I get a call from him - he called to say he appreciated the bike and that he had been thinking about me lately. He had reflected on our chat that day and had been thinking good thoughts that things would work out for me. Needless to say, I was a little floored that a complete stranger would ever be that generous of their time and thoughts.

We chatted for a bit and as it turns out Stu is heading back to the Midwest for the summer and I wish him the best of luck. It amazes me the kindness of some people and how even the littlest things can make such a difference in someone's day.

Stu, I'm glad the bike is working out for you, and thanks again for your generosity and kindness.

-humbled jonathon

Working on the pitch...

It's Sunday, just after 4:00, I've been up since 6:00, and we're still working on the pitch...ugh.

I always complained that the agencies I worked for put pitches off till the last minute, but now I realize it's because it is how we all learned. Doesn't look like this paradigm will be shifting any time soon - oh well.

-burnt out jonathon

Riding the Bus II: WTF?!

I hopped on the train home yesterday, earlier than normal, so that I could get home in time to go for a jog and then work on a class project. In hindsight, this might have been a mistake; let me explain why. As I mentioned in my last post about public transit, I get on at the ends of the line so I was easily able to find a comfortable seat and got situated for the 20-minute ride to West Portal.

It wasn't too long before the train was pretty full, and as usual, people were pushing and shoving their way onto an already crowded train with little regard for others. The doors finally closed and we made our way to Montgomery station where more people pushed and shoved their way onto a now full train. This is when things started to go downhill.

Apparently, someone behind me was either hit or kicked or leered at in a funny enough way that it would cause them to punch the offender in the mouth. The altercation between the two guys spilled out onto the platform as people scrambled to get out of their way. They circled each other once or twice and there was some shoving, but in typical fashion no more punches were thrown. The puncher got back on the train while the punchee stood in the doorway yelling for him to get off the train and take his beating.

The punchee yelled obscenities at the puncher saying that if he was going to start something that he needed to get off the train so they could finish it. Needless to say, the puncher was now mum about the whole thing and remained with his feet firmly planted on the train - the punchee didn't make any attempt to grab him. This went on for about 10 minutes with other passengers getting increasingly frustrated. Other passengers got involved by yelling at each of them to get off the train so that the rest of us could leave - it was like a high school fight only less fighting and less maturity overall.

Eventually the cops showed up and took both men off the train in cuffs and order was restored. The train got moving again - still full - and made it through the next few stops with nothing more than the usual: people trying to file onto a full train.

I finally made it to West Portal about 30 minutes later than anticipated only to realize that I had forgotten my keys at the office - d'oh! Well, at least the prize fight was somewhat entertaining...

-taking the "under" on the guy with the busted lip jonathon

BIG Change

WARNING: Mom, if you're reading this, you may want to stop now...

I am doing something I never thought that I would do - I am buying a motorcycle. "What!?" you may be asking...yup, I said it, I'm buying a bike and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

I've been shopping around for about a month now and have finally decided that I'm going to do it - I'm going to get a Kawasaki Ninja 250R from Golden Gate Motorcycles. A lot of people have said, "that's a girl's bike!" While I will concede that a full 1/3 of 250R purchasers are women, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is a bad bike. Hell, I've never ridden anything more than a bicycle, so why would I want to buy a 1000cc bike right out of the gate? I need something that I can get comfortable on and learn how to ride safely, plus it's only $3,499 new.

I've signed up for motorcycle safety classes with the Bay Area Motorcycle Training School which will take place at the end of May and I'm getting really excited. The school puts you on small bikes like the Ninja and teaches you how to ride properly and safely. You get classroom experience and two days of "range" time - though my classes start at 6:45 AM, ugh.

At this point, I've thought about it all and have planned it pretty precisely. The goal is to sell the car within the next two months (not necessary) so I don't have to renew the insurance. The Kawasaki Go Green Sales Event ends at the end of June so I'll still be able to take advantage of the financing deals they are running - the timing couldn't be better. Once the car is gone, I'll probably also sign up for ZipCar for those times when I need more than two seats.

If you know anyone that wants a great car for a biodiesel project or SVO conversion, I have a 1979 Mercedes 300D. It's an awesome car...but you don't take my word for it, come drive it!

The bike will mainly be for commuting to and from work which is nice because I won't have to rely on transit anymore, though I won't be able to listen to my morning radio show or drink my coffee on the way to work anymore. I have free parking available to me, the bike gets excellent gas mileage, and the insurance is ultimately cheaper, so I'll actually be saving money and can finally start putting a dent in paying off my student loans - yay!

So here is what it looks like (right color too).

I know a lot of you may be thinking that this looks a lot like a "crotch-rocket" and that I'll look completely ridiculous on it, but it really isn't, and I won't. ...ok well it does look a little ricey, but the seating position is very upright and the bike's low height allows me to put my feet firmly on the ground when at a stop.

If you think this is all silly, then put it in context of me wanting to help the environment. I am reducing congestion, purchasing a vehicle that gets great gas mileage, and has reduced emissions. I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for the trees!

-tree hugging, biker jonathon